Back home & feeling a wave of emotion.
Feeling the desperate want to be light-hearted & energized & uplifted. Feeling this downward pull, bringing me back into the same habits I had before leaving. This cycle is ever repeating & I would like to be able to just overcome the obstacles already.
It’s painful here because here is where my toughest work lies. Here is where I am forced to face myself as this exact identity I have spent my whole life creating. The easy solution is to run away, go off alone to a place where I am unknown, a place where I can feel free.
When traveling you can be anyone you want to be (although ultimately we are just exactly ourselves). But we tend to be ourselves free from fear of judgement, of social pressures to act a certain way, free of all those preconceived false beliefs we have about the world & about ourselves. When we wake up each morning with the knowledge, the feeling, that we can be anyone we want to be & do anything we want to do, it makes getting out of bed an immense joy, right? Excitement & hunger for life, a fearlessness for living. To see the sun rise with assurance of the day ahead being full of surprise & possibility & freedom – God, there’s nothing compared to it.
So now… it’s like extra freaking frustrating to be back here in my old frame of mind. Unable to pull myself out of bed in the morning. A lack of gratitude for the beginning of a new day. Numbness when there should be a multitude of intense emotions. Lost in my own sea of thoughts, waves thundering upon the shore of my awareness with each heavy crash. Left to wonder what happened to that peaceful, still, serene, fluid, subtle movement of that ocean witnessed just days ago; with water so still you can stand in it knee-deep & see a reflection, no telling where the sky ends & the ocean begins.
It’s endless. Infinite. Clear.
So what was it that changed first? The circumstance, the physical place, the serendipitous feeling of being exactly aligned to the Path. Or was it the state of mind, the feeling deep in the heart, the expectation of what life was to bring?
Because of fear, I dreaded coming home so much that I began imagining the worst before I left Kauai. I gave in to negativity, to limits, to loss of presence. And in doing that, I totally missed my last day in Hawaii. I was hardly there & nothing flowed, my heart felt heavy & I just would not surrender. And Now I am in the exact place I created before – cold, lonely, resentful, guilty, bored, bitter. And it’s a shitty place to be. Even worse being perfectly aware of how damn good it could be if I just allowed it all to be. If I just let go. If I stopped forgetting who I am at the core.
Who I am at the core is pure Love. That’s who we all are.
It’s imperative to remember you are playing a game. Playing a role. Creating your character & your scene every single second.
So look around, what are you creating? Blue skies or grey? Isolation or camaraderie? Despair or joy? Unhealthy habits or healthy habits? Running away or presence?
Know that whatever you are creating, it’s easy to change if you want it to. It’s easy to pull your head out of that dark hole & choose to live in the light.
Sometimes what’s easier is to blame the people around us for our conceived problems; for holding us back; for expecting certain behaviors from us. It’s easy to close when we really should be grateful for & open to each one of them. YOU are the only one holding yourself back. YOU are the only one creating limits. YOU are the one cultivating any negativity, distance, resistance, violence.
YOU are. No one else.
The reality is that everyone around you just wants to love you & for you to LET them. Receive it. Don’t be afraid to let it in. Allow yourself to refuel with the reciprocating energy that you once sent out into the Universe. Now it wants to come back to you, to fill your heart with love, to renew your spirit, refresh your soul.
Let it in.
You have nothing to lose. All things to gain.
This love that you have poured out of your heart into those around you wants to return the favor. The universe WANTS to take care of you. She wants to hold you. She wants to nurture you. She wants to nourish you. She wants to provide you with all you have been providing for others. So let her.
And the She is me. The She is you, too.
Her love, the love I wish to receive, is my love towards my self. That’s the love I am craving. The love I need to receive most. And no one else can give it to me if I don’t give it to myself first. No one else can give you the love you need if you don’t give it to yourself.
Why is that the hardest thing?
Loving other people is no problem. To see only the good in them is effortless. To want only the best for them comes naturally. And it’s too hard to feel the same towards myself.
So what do I do? I lock myself away. I HIDE. I trap myself in these walls & totally separate from the beautiful world outside. Because I am afraid. I’m afraid that if I truly LIVE I will be provided with all I’ve been asking for. I am afraid to fully receive the miracle of life – LOVE. I separate from Mother Earth, even when I know completely that she is what brings me the greatest joy & fulfillment and sense of belonging & oneness.
Feeling the breeze tickle my bare skin. Hearing the waves or the wind (they tend to sound the same). Soaking in sunshine & moonshine & all the nutrients they give. Breathing in fresh air.
I can read all the Muir & Thoreau & Emerson I want, but the words never quite match the experience.
No words can give you that freedom.
No method can bring enlightenment.
No guru can teach you what you already know deep down.
You just awaken to it. Over & over & over. In every moment.
A brand new day.
Begin where you are Now.
