Morbid title?
Perhaps. But it captured your attention, no?
My Grandpa Pollock died exactly a week ago.
The day before he passed, he left me with the most valuable life lesson I have ever received. It wasn’t the weakly murmured plea, “live your life to the fullest,” although that did spark some serious inquiry into what living fully actually means to me now. I am understanding it means being present with our selves & our lives exactly as they are.
You see, I hadn’t spoken to him for nearly ten years until last Sunday when he called to beg me for forgiveness. He was under the impression I was still harboring blame & agony for his ten minute mistake fourteen years ago… and yeah, there’s still some bits left to be healed. But I had forgiven him a long time ago. I let go of that hurt for my own sake. I accepted it as a paragraph or two in my story & chose to let it be water for growth & a means of compassion for others who have been sexually abused.
The one who was unable to forgive was him.
I was shocked at the fact he still silently clung to his shame & guilt for that moment so tightly he actually carried it with him to his deathbed. But then I realized how many past actions I harbor shame for & feel are disgusting & unforgivable & thus make me unworthy of love. In reality, the biggest wound was not in those ten minutes but in the years of hushed abandonment following because the situation was too uncomfortable for him to face or talk openly about. He AND my grandma missed out on so much of my life & my siblings’ lives because they didn’t know how to confront & how to let go.
So that’s my big lesson. The one I am currently doing my best to implement.
No matter what we do in life – the blunders we make, the hurt we cause ourselves, the pain we inflict upon others – the shame & guilt felt afterward is far more harmful than the action itself. If something has that much power over us (shame & guilt are among the absolute lowest vibrational energies), we have to heal it now instead of carrying it with us to our death. Because we might not get the chance he did. The chance to say “I’m sorry.” The chance to call that someone up & hear them say “I forgive you.”
In life & in death
Rest in Peace.
I freakin’ love this song.
