A lump in the higher heart, a deep hacking cough, an occasional loss of voice, and green mucus build up that never ends. Glamorous, I know. This is how throat chakra emotional imbalance is manifesting in my physical form this week. This is my body’s way of asking for attention & saying, “heyyy Jonelle, there’s something here for you to look at & possibly even heal…”
Last weekend I attended a women’s retreat in Montana with ten phenomenal women. We nourished ourselves, meditated in circle, practiced group hypnotherapy & shared of experience, and soaked twice in the boiling river amid -1 degree weather. It was profoundly healing while a bit uncomfortable because it stirred up a lot of what I’m working on now. It was when this sickness in my throat came on. It was where I revealed my fears of unworthiness to others. And how I learned to hold myself through grief with willingness to forgive, feeling this yearning to be more whole within myself so I can be a powerfully compassionate healing force.
I learned there are many assumptions we have about ourselves/the collective & when these beliefs are out of line with highest truth, they cause distress & disease in our beings & in our culture. A core false belief I have had since I was conditioned to believe it, is that no one wants to hear my truth. That I am not worthy of being heard, not worthy of being loved, not worthy of taking up space in this world.
It’s played out in many insecure relationships, in avoidance of doing my life work, in fear of sharing my opinion, in stifling my own voice because I’d rather be unseen than rejected. For someone whose gift is to share their voice, these habits can be absolutely detrimental to their awakening spirit. It’s a challenge to overcome this resistance & choose to alter the fearful faiths withholding our capacity for love.
How does one unwrap the gift in such a challenge? By knowing its underlying Truth.
It’s known by cutting through that bullshit assumed false concept of self that I am not worthy of being heard/loved/alive & spit some truth instead of phlegm. Not truth like I take my coffee black. Truth like, my first instinct when I’m triggered by grief has been to run & I’m learning to stay. Or that I’ve spent much of my life hiding in solitude because the possibility of not being perfect enough for love or deserving of attention was often too much to face & I’m getting braver about putting myself out there. Truth like, I think I’ve spent enough time cast in my dark soul shadow to finally accept this part of myself instead of pretending like when the sun comes up, she goes away too. Truth like, I tend to rush my healing process because I know deep down all of this is illusion I need to dissolve to live as my ideal self & just want to be Her already.
So, take a deep breath & ask yourself… what is true for me today & what is my Truth?
This is a vulnerable facing inward & requires trust that when we step into our authentic Truth we will be more seen & loved than we have ever been.